punchbowls so large that ducks could swim around in them
There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning with no memory of the previous evening only to find you’ve founded an independent nation during a drunken rampage. Reading this NY Times book review I came across an interesting snippet – the founding fathers of the United States were actually motherless drunk when they put the finishing touches on the U.S. Constitution:
in 1787, two days before their work was done, the 55 delegates to the Constitutional Convention “adjourned to a tavern for some rest, and according to the bill they drank 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 8 of whiskey, 22 of port, 8 of hard cider and 7 bowls of punch so large that, it was said, ducks could swim around in them. Then they went back to work and finished founding the new Republic.
If we assume that the number of standard drinks in a bottle of each is as follows: madeira 12; claret 7; port 11; whiskey 22; hard cider 2; then doing some rough maths suggests that this equates to on average 27 standard drinks per delegate, and that’s not even counting the duck pond-sized bowls of punch, which one suspects Washington laced with yet more whiskey from his hip flask. Attention everyone, the punch hath been spiked.
As the Australian government tells us, this clearly amounts to binge drinking. But it seems that no matter how many times you tell people, they just don’t get the “don’t drink and found countries” message. It quite possibly explains a lot about the subsequent history of those United States, too – only a system devised by a pack of drunks could result in this, after all. And it certainly explains why the original draft of the Constitution contained an article stating “Jefferson is a mewling, clay-brained fustilarian!” which had to be removed by the First Amendment.
As well as adding legitimacy to the political ramblings of countless drunks in bars who claim they have a better way to run the world, it does tell us something about contemporary social standards – in many ways we are far more conservative than previous generations, although we like to think of society today as more liberal and permissive than ever before. It’s hard to imagine the frenzy if our current leaders got blind drunk during the drafting of important legislation.
Most importantly, this story also adds authenticity to the ‘Secret World History’ featured on The Simpsons:
Lisa: I still don’t believe all the founding fathers were Stonecutters.
Homer: That’s because you trust your stupid schoolbooks. Here’s what really happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
[cut to signing of Declaration]
Washington: And a nation is born… Now let us party like ’twas 1799!
[small kegs are rolled in; two men chug]
Everyone: [chanting] Quaff! Quaff! Quaff! Quaff!
[a man lights a match, blows beer at it]
[it makes a flamethrower and burns another man's wig]
Owner: Please, sir! You’re destroying my establishment.
Man: We just created the greatest democracy on earth, you low-life commoner. [kicks him]
